There’s an early morning, early autumn rain this morning. Its overcast, so its very dark outside, even for quarter to seven in the morning. It feels like a heavy weight. Sort of the perfect weather for my current mood.
That’s been my inner feeling the past few days, and I can’t wait for this week to be over, for the weekend to come and I can rest fully. I’ve been here a month in Humboldt. A little more than that, actually. But I’m still not completely rid of the feeling of stress and anxiety from my move. There are times when I’ve come home from work and I just want to lay down and go to sleep, or curl up in a ball and cry.
I know, not very manly of me is it. Tough, I’ve always been very emotional, and I will neither excuse it nor forgive myself for it.
I’m filled with worry at times, and heavy amounts of doubt. This has been something that I’ve had to deal with all my life. Like there’s a great shadow hanging over my head telling me that what I do isn’t good enough, I’m not smart enough, and that there’s no point in completing the things I start. And thus, I just want to curl up into a ball and sleep. And cry.
Its no outside influences fault. There’s no actual physical being coming round my door and telling me that I’m not good enough for the goals and plans I make. No one is coming to my desk at work and suggesting I should just chuck it all and not bother. Give up trying, because you’ll just fail in the end. No, there’s no one there. It all comes from inside, and it’s a voice that’s very hard to keep quiet at times.
Oh, when I was younger there were others who would taunt me and tell me I’m a failure. I got teased a lot when I was a kid, so that probably had some influence on my current mental health. But I’m not blaming the acts of children on my current state. But today, if someone whom I happen to be mildly acquainted with just teasingly says “you’re a failure”, I may laugh it off on the outside, but inside I’m often found questioning it, trying to defend reasons why I’m not and asking “what if he/she is right”.
This isn’t something where I can just “be happy” and move on. Leaving these inner voices and shutting them out isn’t easy. They’re always there, and they always manage to find a way past all of the barricades. Even their quietest shout can be a massive whisper.
The trouble is, these things do affect me in what I do each day. I may make a small mistake, nothing life threatening (thank god I don’t work in a field where I might have responsibility for someone’s life), but I beat myself up for it later when I find it. I try not to, but it’s my mistake and I know I did it. I have to own up to it.
I’ve never been very good at taking compliments or taking criticism. I will shy away from a compliment or I will put up a defensive wall when criticism shows. Lately, I’ve taken a lot of ownership for mistakes. Sometimes, I think, too much. Because that can be just as damaging.
I just can’t wait for this week to be over.